Thursday, December 25, 2014

When Comforting Someone Who's Suffered a Loss - Here's What NOT To Do

 There are many right ways of helping someone who's just lost someone very dear to them. Unfortunately, there are many WRONG ways of offering comfort, and in my experience, most people do it wrong, even when they think they're doing it right.  I learned this following two very personal losses (the death of my 17-year-old son, and the suicide of his mother/my wife) eight years later when her unresolved grief became too much to bear).

Here are my experiences, and the lessons I learned from them.

Some years back, my son died instantly in a one-car crash while driving to early band practice at his high school.  We'd delayed letting him get his driver's license for a year (until he was 17) because we felt he first needed to demonstrate responsibility.  He'd only been driving for 8 days when he crashed.  The autopsy showed no signs of alcohol or drugs - he merely lost control while driving too fast, skidded out and hit a tree.  His seat belt wasn't enough to save him.  Those are the facts.

I reached out to many people for comfort - connecting with my fairly extensive online network of "list-friends."  In return, many people reached out to me o offer me comfort.  But instead of offering real help, most of them only made matters worse.

As they "offered comfort," I was shocked to learn how few really knew how to do that, and how many tried to help me by using this occasion to ease their own grief, while claiming to try and help me with mine.

When someone is in grief - when someone has suffered a great personal loss - the last thing he or she wants is to be burdened by other people's losses. 

To say, "I know how you feel, because I've lost someone, too, and I'm here for you ..." that shows compassion and deep understanding.

But to say, "I know how you feel because I lost my second cousin in a car crash, she'd been drinking and slammed into a bridge abutment on I-95, and lingered in intensive care, like a vegetable, for six weeks until my uncle had to pull the plug on her, it was the most horrific thing ever ... so yeah, I know how you feel ..." not so much.

In fact, I'm here to tell you that this approach does NOTHING for the grieving person, except add to their pain and suffering. That all-too-common approach is all about the "comforter" actually trying to reach out for comfort, to process his or her own grief.

I was inundated with so many stories of other peoples' losses - all of them pretending  to try and help me (and most of them believing that they were helping me).  But what they were actually trying to do was to work out their own grief. I had just lost my son, and I was in no shape to offer a shoulder to anyone else for their own loss. Yet that was what they expected of me - that I would lend them a shoulder, and commiserate with their loss. 

I'm sorry, but the death of my son does NOT equate to their loss of their second cousin ... to some extent, a loss is a loss, yes, but the closer the person, the deeper the loss.  And the more recent the loss, the more jaggedly painful.

But this is what happened, over and over - and believe it or not, one person actually tried to show that he understood my loss because he'd just lost his dog.  His dog!

If you are reaching out to comfort someone who's just experienced a tragic loss, it's OK to say, "I understand your grief, because I've suffered a loss, too."  But leave it at that. Don't work out the terms of your grief on that person.

Instead, after acknowledging having once experienced a non-specified loss, go on to say, "knowing what a loss feels like, I am here for you - in any way and every way that I can help." 

But then, instead of putting the responsibility for your help on the sufferer by saying, "how can I help?" - go ahead and offer several specific ways you can help. Ask, for instance, "do you need food?  Do you need someone to be with you, so you're not alone?  Do you need someone to drive you to the funeral home?" Offer those, or some other material support, then say ... "or anything else you might need, just know that I'm here for you."

Finally, don't forget the power of God, and the comfort of the Holy Spirit.  You could, of course, say, "I'll pray for you and the person you lost."  But don't just leave it there - take it a step further.

 For instance, ask, "would you like me to pray with you right now (in person or by phone)?"  Then, assuming they say yes, make sure your prayer is all about the person who's suffered the loss (not your own loss), and about how God can and will help that person. 

Going a step further, if the lost person is known to you to be a person of faith (i.e., someone you believe has accepted Christ), you can also talk about how that lost person is now with God.  But if you don't know that for a fact, don't go there ... the person who's just suffered a loss may be agonizing about whether their loved one IS with God.

If you have a favorite comforting scripture, a psalm or words of Jesus (or Paul, or anyone in the bible who comforted someone), share that, too. If you don't remember the verses verbatim, take a moment to look that scripture up (write it down if you need to) before calling - or calling on - someone to help with their grief.

So please, if someone you know suffers a loss, make your comfort specific to them.  Offer meaningful help and support - but don't just offer generalities, offer meaningful specifics. 

Not just, "I'll pray for you," but "can I pray with you right now." 

Not just "I understand, because I recently lost my pet goldfish" but "I understand because I've suffered a loss, too, so let me help you specifically, by doing a, b and c."

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Faith in the Marketplace

Today in The Blaze, there was an article about one pastor's outrage against Disney and a Magic Kingdom Christmas celebration.  The word “Christmas” had been left off of a Disney billboard in Orlando, in a message advertising Disney World's popular holiday-themed Mickey’s Very Merry Christmas Party.

Right up front, let me say I found the pastor's concern over leaving the word "Christmas" off of the billboard message a bit odd, since the event itself (which he and his family have attended for eight consecutive years) is itself a profoundly secular event.  It has few - if any - truly Christian overtones. It's a typically Disney party for kids of all ages, celebrating the holiday season, but not the birth of Christ.

I read the pastor's comments with interest.  Some years ago, I had been personally active in the "war against Christmas" kerfuffle, at a time when it did seem that everywhere we looked, people and businesses were actively working to take "Christmas" out of the Christmas holiday. 

However, as I reflected on that former passion and this current situation, I saw some differences - perhaps in what is going on in society, and perhaps what is going on in me.

I still actively and vigorously oppose those organized atheists who use the threat of court costs to force municipalities and schools to ban Christmas celebrations. However, for me, that opposition is more political than theological, and it also highlights my own resentment against bullies.

This Disney deal, it seems to me, is different, and the issue here is theological rather than political.

I am a proud and (I hope) dedicated Christian; however, I don’t look to (or expect) secular corporations to carry my message of faith for me. Pastor Eddie DelValle of With Love Ministries is of course entitled to his reaction.  Viscerally, I might have reacted the same way on seeing that billboard for the first time.  However, for me, that would be the end of it, and here's why.

We Christians live in a secular society ... we cannot expect the secular world to reflect, let alone promote, our beliefs

We Christians live in a secular society, and I believe that  we are both misguided and misleading ourselves if we expect the secular world to reflect - let alone promote - our beliefs. If we boycotted every secular corporation that failed to carry our banner for us, we’d be limited to shopping at - or interacting with - just two kinds of companies.  Those whose owners have real faith and want to share that faith (Hobby Lobby and Chick-fil-a come to mind) or those cynical secular corporations who proclaimed our message, not out of faith, but out of greed.

Frankly, I’d rather be ignored than be pandered to ...

While I do NOT want to deal with corporations or organizations that actively espouse an anti-Christian message, or which, by their actions, support an anti-Christian objective, I can't think of all that many organizations that fit that mold (except, perhaps for MSNBC and CNN, and a few other actively-hostile news media outlets). 

However, there are some businesses Christians can't avoid, even if something they do is distasteful.  For instance, all pharmacies are required to sell morning-after abortion pills, and as someone who's not a supporter of abortion, I find that distasteful. However, there are no alternatives I'm aware of, so I continue to do business with CVS Pharmacy.

I have also worked with and for clients and employers who personally profess either a lack of belief or an active disbelief. However, I deal with them in a purely secular role, and see no problem with that, since their businesses do not reflect their lack of faith or actively oppose mine.

So what's my bottom line here?  Disney is a secular corporation, and in our free country, they are free to celebrate - or not celebrate - Christmas as they choose.  That is their business, not mine.  I am free to do business with - or ignore - Disney. However, I have two grandkids who LOVE Disney movies, TV shows and products, and because of that, I'll very likely continue to "shop Disney" for Christmas presents. 

This does not offend, nor does it threaten, my faith

And I guess I encourage Christians, including Pastor Eddie DelValle, to pick their fights with a bit more care.  If Disney were actively trying to undermine Christianity, that would be different. But they're just trying to make a buck in December, which makes them not anti-Christian, but quintessentially American.